I don’t even know where I am at this point.
These past two days have thrown me thru the most insane loop.
I decided to drop all of my best friends because I felt fucked over and abandoned. They came around and talked to me, and I found out things I wish weren’t true. Hung out with Gordy. Screamed at Keith. Got picked up by Jake and went to The Dock with him, Meagan, and CJ after pregaming. Came home and talked with Jake until we passed out. Slept all day. Woke up to Keith texting me asking to come by and talk. We did. It went fine. We got my scooter working. I thought we were very much on our way to being friends, and that there was actually hope for everything with the friend group, despite how hurt I was and the rest of us were. He left. Emma came over and we got to talk for the first time in ages and it felt great. Went to her apartment and met up with Alyssa. Went to the pod and just had good talks. Laughed a lot. Talked about serious things. Got cake. As soon as they had to leave, Jake, Meagan and CJ left the hookah bar and came to the pod to eat. Great timing. We ate and then drank a few beers. Meagan bought my favorite for me to drink. Jake surprised me with cigarettes because I was out, which was incredibly sweet. Meagan and I had amazing talks, and I was feeling really really really really really fucking good. Everything that was wrong finally felt right and fixed, and I was just happy. It was the best day I had in a long fucking time, and especially after the previous day, I needed it more than ever. Keith text me saying he was leaving work and asked if I wanted to come by. I said okay, excited about being allowed over at the apartment, thinking things were about to all get back to normal with everyone. Ecstatic.
And it went to hell.
I broke the fuck down. I sobbed worse than I have in a long fucking time. All about how I don’t know why it took so long for him to realize I was fucking special. Why it took until after I was gone. And how it was the same with Kourtney. And the same with Rosey. Why did it take until then? And I just hurt. It was like feeling all of the horrible feelings from our relationship and from our break up all at once. Feelings I don’t think I ever really dealt with. I just ran from them. And it hit me. And he screamed, and I screamed, and sobbed and finally passed out.
Woke up to Gordy pissed, and everyone concerned. Which I understand, but it made it more difficult, as things were already hard. I woke up and found a ride, because the one I was supposed to have fell thru. I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. It wasn’t healthy for him, and it obviously wasn’t healthy for me, because I still care. And it kills me, because all I want is my fucking friend group back. It’s all I want. Not just for me, but for everyone. But it seems that when I try to fix things, everyone just gets more mad. I’m not sure what the right move is; if it’s to stay away and not be able to see my friends very much, and have to lose our sense of family, or if it’s to stay close and try to have that, and watch him be upset and wait for the random lies again.
I don’t know what is “right” in this.
All I know is I fucking hurt. Bad. And I don’t think I’ve felt this in a long time. Because I think I completely avoiding feeling this break up at all, even though it was four months ago, which is ridiculous to believe. And now I have to come to terms with not being good enough until I was already gone, not being able to be friends with him, my friend group moving on without me to some extent, and this insane guilt where I feel an obligation to him to be there for him, but I can’t be without hurting him more.
I’m not sure what happened. I’m not sure what’s going to. I’m trying to stop fucking crying like an idiot. Apparently getting bubble tea with Jake, Meagan and CJ. Hopefully hanging out with Alyssa and Emma after that, assuming that they still want to see me. And Cyndi demanded I hang out with her at 11, as I haven’t seen her in a while.
Barely on any fucking sleep, and I did not sleep well. Ridiculously emotional, and just sad.
I thought I had given up, and I thought I felt like I was at bottom. But it wasn’t until this morning when I realized what had to be done, and that no matter what I did, we were still going to hurt like fucking hell over it, that I felt like I was at bottom. I never, ever, ever, fucking leave people. Ever. It hurts me so much to do, and to watch. I am so fucking sorry. I am so sorry, and I only hope that with time things will be easier. I am friends with Rosey and Kourtney now, which I never thought would happen. So I know it is possible. But right now, I can’t see it in the cards.
I don’t know how this happened. If you would of told me two years ago that this all would of happened, and I would be at this place now, I would never, ever, fucking believe you.
The only way we can go is up.
