"I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."
drinking too much too often. wandering around big cities. conversations.
i like sitting in a small twenty-four hour place in my town,
drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes,
both of which i cannot afford.
your game kids, i'm just playing it.
“And I can always find her
at the bottom of a plastic cup
drowning in drunk sincerity.
A sad and lonely girl.
And she said, “I think we’re running out of alcohol,
tonight I hate this fucking town,
and all my best friends will be the death of me,
but they won’t ever remember, remember.
So please take me far away,
before I melt into the ground
and all my words get used against me”
You sad and lonely girl.
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on
Isn’t there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on.
Quit crying your eyes out, baby.”
Today I woke up to a text from Gordy, telling me to listen to this song. Gordy and I have only had one real conversation since Keith and I broke up, and it was about a sandwich shop. He said, “Baby Come On by +44, it’s the perfect song for right now.” I dunno how he knows what’s going on in my life, but he was right. And it meant a lot that he sent that to me. It’s good to know people care.
I woke up after an hour of sleep to pizza, Meagan sitting on Jake’s car hood in a “drink drank drunk” shirt, eating a piece, in huge sunglasses. And then as Jake dropped me off, he said, “Have fun with Cyndi.” and I told him, “Yeah, melting cheese we find in my refrigerator. I spent my last $20 on rum and cigarettes last night.” I got out of his car and closed the door, and he rolled the window down and said, “Look in your left back pocket!” I did, and there was a $20 bill, and before I could even say anything, he sped away up the hill to school. Easily the cutest, sweetest thing a boy has ever done for me.
Hanging out with CJ last night was really cool. Eric, Dillon’s friend, text me last night too, telling me we need to hang out really soon, and Branden, another person we met thru Dillon, messaged me saying we all need to hang out soon. It’s funny seeing that we’re all trying to replace this weird gap with his other friends. As Meagan said last night, he isn’t dead. But it is hard to deal with. And I’m excited to hopefully get close with these kids, for the sake of meeting new people, and because I think we’ll have a lot of fun whenever Dillon gets back.
I slept a total of four and a half hours yesterday, and one hour last night, and I haven’t been this happy waking up in a long, LONG time. Recently, it’s taken hours after I wake up to just get out of bed and accept that I have to function.
I needed this. Bad. And I’m so excited with my newfound sense of humanity, compassion, and friendship. Good people exist. People care, just because they can, and nothing other than that. People will help you out because they WANT to, not because they’re obligated. And you can meet new people, or have regular friends, and still find so many things to relate on.
We’re all a part of the same shit. And we’re all surviving together. So don’t waste your time on bullshit, there’s so much you can have faith in. So much hope.
I’m getting old Sarah back, and it’s phenomenal. <3
