emma mitchell called me at exactly midnight and sang me happy birthday, the first one i got, which made my life. oh my god.
then my friend keneth called and left a happy birthday message, which i totally did not expect. kourtney sent me the sweetest message. molly bramble wished me happy birthday right as it hit 12. and then this kid nate who i’ve only talked to once called me and was like, “so i know it’s not exactly twelve but..” and then sang happy birthday to me. it was so fucking cute! oh my god. :)
hahah i’m smiling like a fool. thank you everyone for already making my day, and it’s only been ten minutes. seriously. thank you :)
so i’m at aydin’s going away party. texts start to come in and it’s time to be a superhero. i start making calls, checking on everyone, making sure everyone is okay. jill get’s me, and we get our friends from kroger. suns coming out and we head to alyssa’s. i’m a little pissed to be in this situation, but it happens, and i let it slide. i wake up and realize that it’s friday, the day i’m supposed to celebrate my birthday. gonna miss that i suppose. i call my mom, and she’s mad at me of course, as i was supposed to be home. i don’t know what it was, probably just the whole night and the situation but i start breaking down crying and i can’t stop. just talking about it is making me come close to it again. so i’m sobbing and kourtney is yelling at me, and i don’t know what to do but lay there or pace. so i do, and i pace and i cry and i try to do it silently so no one hears me.
let me tell you this. i don’t cry. i haven’t cried since last winter. i don’t. cry.
eventually i get back to how i usually am, pretty logical and pretty unfeeling. i understand the concept of feelings but i don’t actually feel them. i can get frustrated, but that’s a logical thing. i don’t get actually angry. or actually sad. but i did. and it freaked me out.
i get home, and my mom says i can’t go out tonight because of last night. night before my 18th birthday, it’s one of my best friend’s birthdays and i can’t go out because i was taking care of other people.
so she tells me we’re celebrating my birthday tomorrow before i work. so i’m getting up early, which means i won’t enjoy it at all. so i asked if we could do it on a different day. no, i can’t because my little brothers want to celebrate it tomorrow. so i don’t even get to enjoy my own fucking 18th birthday.
let’s get this straight as well. if you know me, you know i go with the flow and will enjoy myself no matter what. but can i have one. fucking. day. where i’m living for myself and not for other people. please. can i have one fucking day. my fucking 18th birthday. can i do that. guess fucking not.
i keep getting so emotional. i’m so close to another break down and to be honest, i don’t know how to handle it at all. as stupid as it fucking sounds, i don’t know how to cry and not hate myself for every second i do.
MATT AND KIM ARE COMING TO THE LIFESTYLES COMMUNITY PAVILION IN COLUMBUS ON AUGUST 9TH WITH SPOON.
Did you read that correctly? Damn straight you did. Matt. And. Kim. Kim and Matt. Fucking keyboard and drum set duo that would rock Chuck Norris out of his element. So if anyone wants to drive to Columbus to see them, hit me up. I will pay for gas. Hell, I’ll buy you dinner.
It’ll be a good time. I just have to see this band play live.
EMMA LET’S FUCKING GO. PLEASE. PLEASE. I LOVE SPOON. I LOVE MATT AND KIM. PLEASE. CAN WE GO. PLEASE.
last night was actually really great. i took my GED pretest and i passed and i’m taking the test soon. score. then i went to band with my mom to watch sean and parker go be awesome, ran into andrew which was fun. i had a blast spending time with parker haha annnnnd i got a free gatorade.
so i’m walking up to the highschool and parker calls and says, “hey alyssa, molly, and keith are in the parking lot.” so i got to hang out with them, which was nice. then mikayla pulls up and aydin jumps out and hugs me and it was wonderful. :) i hadn’t seen him in two years, christ. mikayla’s on the phone and says, “well i have to go pick up tommy first,” so my excitement doubled, and then she told me olivia and dylan were coming. so stoked. we all play monopoly and i enjoy tommy’s running commentary and olivia being the banker, dylan telling me i dun goofed, and mikayla and i accepting that we really don’t have anything to hate each other over anyways. and aydin, who just fucking predicted every roll i got and didn’t let me move my game piece. hmph haha.
we sat outside and talked for hours about education, and life and sexuality, and all this great stuff. it really was fantastic. tommy, dylan and olivia left, and i kept going in and out of sleep. i eventually passed out next to aydin who kept trying to make out with me. which was really awkward. he will never change.
i woke up on the couch, though i have no idea how i got there. and we headed home. it was a good night.
tonight i’m going out with my mom, which i’m really excited about actually. and then tomorrow i’m seeing a movie with the film kids, and aydin’s going away party is that night. i hope tommy is there.
good nights. good nights. i love everyone in my life.
i’m supposed to hang out with rosey tonight. and maybe alyssa. i think i’m going to bail on rosey because he keeps saying he “might” be able to hang out, and go play monopoly with aydin. even though i hate monopoly. i’m so pumped to see him.
i need to put on clothes and upload some pictures son.
on a freezing chicago street we shook
your hands were trembling from all those pills you took
and we got drunk on cheap red wine in a paper cup
and i was barely awake when you got home
and climbed yourself into bed wearing cheap perfume
and sarah screamed your every breath is a gift
if you weren’t so selfish then you might want to live
so if your lover should leave don’t get too sad
and don’t compose epic poems to win her back
‘cause when your bird has flown, she’ll never return home
though all your life you’ll wait she never will return
but i want there to be a lot of pictures involved and a lot of adventure.
actually that’s what i want this whole week to be. andddd for my birthday, all i’m asking for is new clothes. i haven’t had any in a while and i’m ready to be stylin’ once again haha. aka, hitting up urban and the village. what!