I know, I know. I’m too busy to usually keep up with that stuff. I had no idea it was by the same guy who did requiem for a dream, I had no idea Portman and Kunis were in it, and I had no idea it looked so epic.
Whatever money is left from my pay check this month, is going to be put to seeing that movie.
Oh fuck. Speaking of that. Rent needs to be paid. Well hell.
So it’s blue based. Cause it’s cheap. If I wash it out early it probably will be blue. But I’ll behave. Cause if I dont my aunt and grandma will say I ruined the wedding. They do that. 20 Ish minutes to go til this sets. Bored.
Had a cool moment today though. Tim, the guy from guitar center and walmart smoked with me and his friends and we talked about religion. I wish I could get his number without looking like I was coming on to him. One day I guess.
This is the beginning of the documentary of the most influential, mind expanding, hands down best year of my life.
And I’ll start it the way I always start these. With new years. And this is the third but also last time it will start with kourtney smith.
It was midnight and Rosey was my midnight kiss. She had been texting me all night, for the first time in weeks. And I was sweet though I shouldn’t of been. As everyone was passing out I agreed to meet up with her, and I lied and said I was meeting up with mikayla. Emma, being Emma, knew what I was doing without me telling her. Kourtney got me, we drove to white castle and got hot chocolate as we always did when she had fucked me over. I gave her the Christmas present I made her, even though she was ignoring me completely. It was a harmonica necklace, because she loved the harmonica, and a stupid little poem. She dropped me off and I woke up and was happy. Rosey found out I lied about meeting up with mikayla. Mikayla was pissed because I used her in a lie, met up with kourtney, and was pissed because I was mildly involved with her at the time. Rosey and mikayla, the two people who talked to me at the ward, and the two people who stayed with me every night, decided to leave my life. I spent every day from the first on with kourtney at some point and with Emma Parker Sean and Maggie. This went on for quite some time and I can’t remember much more. Kourtney and I kept fighting and she once again got physically and emotionally abusive. But it was better this time. I was still attending highschool at this time. Close to daily.
And then one night in the beginning of April, I get a phone call. It was late, and it was from Molly Deaton, drunkenly thanking me for coming to see the musical, and talking to her on the headset. I actually saw that play with Ethan Mayes, randomly enough. Molly hands the phone to Alyssa, who I haven’t spoken with since the previous June I think it was. She says she knows I probably hate her but wanted me to know she loved and missed me. I told her I didn’t hate her, and honestly missed her too. Somehow she got me a ride in the middle of the night to Hyde park where I drank beer and shitty vodka with her Amanda Jill rob and Kenneth, all who I haven’t seen in ages or never met. Amanda said something about her boyfriend. His name was Keith and he lived on Overton, where they hung out every night and I was invited at any time. Alyssa and I exchanged numbers, she said she’d text me tomorrow, and I went home. Sure enough she texted me the next day and asked me to come hang out. And I did. She picked me up with Amanda and we went to this place on Overton I’d never even seen before. Here begins the best summer of my entire life.
I walk in to a house filled with people and meet Keith Buckingham. I offer him a poptart and he hits it out of my hand and walks to the porch. Adorable.
We start going there every night. Alyssa and I would wake up around ten or eleven, she’d pick me up around midnight, and we’d hang out there. My day’s were filled with bubble tea with my best friend, and my nights were filled with beer. Gay prom happens at some point and kourtney and i go. We go to Alyssa’s afterward to drink and chased vodka with beer like an idiot and got way too drunk. Threw up all over myself and kourtney. It happens. Stopped going to school. Go to court a lot. I met Keith’s mom and brother, I met cam and china and Blake. I learned how to play beer pong. I smoked my first actual cigarette. I drunkenly asked Keith why he was dating Amanda. We wrestled drunkenly outside. I came home every night before my mom took my brothers too school, and sometimes too late. Kourtney and I broke up. I fell for Keith. I was covered head to toe in bruises, cuts, and scrapes, and never once suffered a hang over. I went to the space and adventured. I wandered around Dayton and went out to the dam. I spent every night in the middle back seat. Keith driving. Alyssa in the passengers seat. We stole kittens from abandoned houses. I stayed many nights with Alyssa, making granny order us pizza. We were always drunk. I drove a car at some point from newport to hyde park. Hot tub night happened at some point though i couldn’t tell you when. and I cried. Amanda hated us and rightfully so. Alyssa and I were pretty fucking depressed over girl bullshit. I guess spencer came into the picture at this point. This is beginning of June.
I messaged Spencer on facebook saying I hadn’t seen him in a long time. He said he’d like to hang out with me, seeing as his place was a few houses away from bubble tea. Emma Parker and I went to the hookah bar, and as I hate hookah bars, I texted Spencer and asked if he’d like to meet me there. He did and we talked for a few hours, and I bought him an ice cream sandwich, and we went our separate ways. He asked me to go to sitwells with him, and we sat at the farthest table, and talked. I finally check my phone and it was almost one. We’d been talking for five hours non stop. He took me home and asked to watch a movie with me the next night. I went to his apartment around seven and we watched I heart huckabee from a safe distance and then started talking. We talked about everything. Around five am he took me home and asked to see me the next night. We talked. He said he liked me. I said it back. We talked more. He kissed me. We talked more. I held his hand. He showed me magic tricks. We talked more. The sun was coming up and he had to take me home. My nights with him were really some of the best I’ve ever had. He left on a trip for a week and called me every night while I took care of kittens. He got back around one am one night and came to see me. We watched a tv show he liked and sat on my kitchen floor with my kittens and we didn’t touch. He left and his 20th birthday party was the next night. Emma Parker and I went. I’ve never been to a college party but the rooms were packed and the fridge was full of beer. Emma and Parker had to leave and I let them. I went out to his back alley where mike, Tommy, Gavin and Spencer sat. We sat there talking and drinking for hours. Eventually the party caught on and there were more than twenty people packed into this alley. Tommy kept bringing me beer. I met a bunch of really cool people. Everyone eventually started to head out and Spencer and i kissed for the first time since he left. We passed out on his bed, and woke up and kissed more. He took me home and that was that. He ended it the next day or so. He didn’t like me having older guy friends, or exploring abandoned places, or being out every night drinking. And that was that. I really do love everything in my life but there’s a big part of me that wishes that would of worked out. But everything happens for a reason.
Summer progressed. Emma and I went to a party and she left, and David was drunkenly trying to fuck me. I texted Spencer and told him I was at a party way too drunk. He asked where I was and I conveniently had the address copied already and drunk me pasted it and sent it to him when he asked. Before i knew it, he texted me saying he was outside. It was a half hour away and he yelled at me when I gave him money, and we fought the whole way to my house. I’m a charmer.
June went on, as it tends to. The nights on the porch progressed. I was signed up for GED classes. I went over to Keith’s alone after all of them and we messed around and then never talked about it again. Things started to get messy. Dave came into the picture, thru Keith and Jill. Weed became a big thing that I didn’t take part of, but quickly faded out. I got kicked out of my moms for some reason, though I don’t remember what. I walked three miles from my house to the back of covington with all my clothes in a suitcase on the hottest day of the year. I had to crawl into my dad’s house thru a window. I spent a week there, and it was filled with Jake and Amir and a typewriter and rejection from Keith. Dramatic kourtney texts, how strange. Emma and parker were introduced to the apartment and what I went thru on a nightly basis. Alyssa picked me up one night and I accidentally got insanely drunk and my dad kept calling me and I didn’t know where I was and I turned off my phone. This is a beautiful fuck up moment. Actually beautiful fuck up night, probably the best of the year. I stay at Keith’s. He ignores me. He goes to bed. Sarah pulls one of the most pathetic moves of all time and lays two couch cushions on the floor next to him just so I can hold his arm. He starts pushing on my spots on my back. I get up and kiss him. He gets in my pants. Somehow end up on the floor and he tries to fuck me. I get up and freak out and call Alyssa. She tells me he texted her saying, “don’t ever leave a drunk Sarah at my house again. She just tried to fuck me.” I’m pissed and try to talk to him. He won’t talk to me. I go off. He goes outside for a cigarette. He goes to bed. I sleep alone on the couch, never feeling shittier. Wake up, call my mom, explain what happened with my dad. I go with her and get my stuff from his house. He treats it like a break up and tells me to, “leave the key.” cute. I go home. Life goes as normal. Except I hate myself for what happened with Spencer, and what happened with Keith pisses me off.
I’m not sure where we are on the time frame. I’m thinking mid/late July. I throw an accidental party at my house, which now that I think about it, may have happened at the beginning of summer but let’s put it here. It was supposed to be me, Emma, Parker, Sean, David, beer. Ended up being them, plus Alyssa, I think Jill at some point, Dave, emily, rio, Blake, and Keith and probably other people I forget. Too much beer. Keith leaves to buy cigarettes with David and kisses Alyssa goodbye. Alyssa and I happen and Sean gets mad but it was hilarious either way and I fun fuck you to Keith. Everyone leaves and david and I happen. Pass out. Got caught. But it was a blast.
I guess 18th birthday happens. At midnight Jill, Jennie, Alyssa, and Amanda bring me a cake and sing happy birthday. Jennie still awake from their “adventure” the night before. Cutest thing ever done for me. Oh I’ve been working at subway the whole summer, forgot that. Got off work, bought my first legal pack of cigarettes and a yellow lighter, and went to Adonis. Tommy and mikayla surprise me and Tommy and I talk all night. Emma and I dance all night. I had a blast.
This is the beginning of a time I fondly call the Tommy era. I get his number and he starts coming over every night and sitting on my roof with me or going to the pod with me every night. Thats really as far as that goes but I loved it. This is also the same time as the pool hopping era, where we broke into condo complex pools in the middle of the night. Keith had moved out of the apartment and into what we called the Meth lab. Emma came around more. Alyssa and I talked about getting an apartment. I got fired. We stopped talking to Keith.
Tommy left for school but I called him every night. Emma started school and we experienced college life and found it to be overrated. I got my GED. Alyssa and I somehow got an apartment. We started talking to Keith again. And a whole new apartment era began. My roommate and my best friend happened. I started whining about sleeping alone on the foam. We still drank a good amount and tattoos were done in the kitchen. We turned the living room into a slip n slide with maple syrup. Started hanging around with random people. Ivy and I met and it was great. We got fish. Alyssa pierced my smiley with a safety pin. We didn’t sleep for three or four day periods at a time. And I was lonely.
Kevyn came home from the military at some point in all of this and we got him from the airport. I was drunk and got stuck in a trash can. It was hilarious. Keith smiled genuinely for the first time in a long time and it made me really happy. Keith, Alyssa. Kevyn and I slept on the foam, and I was a fuck. I was head over heals for Kevyn all of freshman year so I took the opportunity and we macked. I apologize to Keith and Alyssa for this. Alyssa got a bed. Everyone kept staying over, as in Keith, Blake, and Kevyn. Sometimes Dave. Usually all in my bed. Which was fucking adorable by the way, even though Blake usually slept away. Kevyn, Dave, and Keith and I would all spoon train and it was adorable despite circumstances that I’m about to get into.
Jill and Dave broke up. He asked to stay over. I was big spoon. He kissed my hand. I kissed the top of his back. He turned over and we macked and then laughed about how weird it was. And this somehow kept repeating. If Dave didn’t stay over, Keith would, and the past of him and I making out and messing around and then never talking about it began again. I justify doing this with both Keith and Dave at the same time with the fact that I couldn’t sleep alone, Dave wouldn’t let me like him though I tried, and I’d tried with Keith before and he shut me down. So I was safe. It’s not like I was having sex. It was fine.
Things got physical with Dave, though not exactly by my choice. He wouldn’t let me be serious with him, relationship wise, no matter how much I asked and no matter how sweet I was. I started to get distant. Keith and I started getting really close and talking every night and texting a lot. I didn’t think anything of it. One day when I was kind of attempting to take Dave on a date, we visited Keith. Keith said something along the lines of that he was in the mood to break up with someone and I volunteered to date him for twenty minutes so he could. It happened, we all laughed. Dave got pissed. I went home.
Maybe that night or a couple nights later we all, as in keith, Blake, Dave, Kevyn and I stay at Kevyn’s house. I was Keith’s big spoon and always have been so we spooned as we do. We were joking around talking about having types, and Keith said, “my type is skinny, scene, pale, listens to heavyheavylowlow, and has extensions.” and I said, “I have four out of five,” he looked at me and said, “let me rephrase that. My type is skinny, scene, pale, and listens to heavyheavylowlow.” we looked at each other and he said, “girlfriend?” and I said “boyfriend?” and joke dating number two started. We lay down and he sees scratch marks on my back from Dave, what he would usually do to try to get me to fuck him, and the shit storm began. Keith and I “break up,” Dave’s cracking up, we “get back together” and Dave is pissed and neither Keith nor I will clarify if we’re serious or not because we honestly don’t know.
With all the drama, we “break up” again, I clear up things with Dave, and Keith and I start hanging out every day. I stay at Kevyn’s with him. He flirts with me constantly. A month or so later he asks me to be his girlfriend, and here we are now.
It started getting colder. Keith and I morph into a relationship. Drama occurs often. Alyssa and I are moving out of our apartment and I’m moving home. I don’t drink except maybe once every month and a half. I smoke too much. I have a job. We all go thru a lot. And we’re all a little broken.
Keith and I are amazing.
But our friendships will never be as strong as they were this summer. So many memories. So many. No sleep day. Staying at kevyn’s. Alyssa on top of the fridge. First tattoos. Just so many.
This summer was the best summer of my life. And I would do anything to have it back. Hopefully when it’s warm out, it’ll return. But for now I’ll spend my time among the people I love trying my hardest. It’s been one hell of a year. And let’s be honest, we did it all wrong. But I loved until I couldn’t anymore. I never stopped caring or trying. And I fucking lived more than some people do in a lifetime.
I don’t regret a thing.
Here’s to finding true happiness in 2010. You were amazing to me. Here’s to 2011 being just as wonderful.
To all my friends, I love you more than you could ever ever know. You’re my world and my family. I mean all of you.
Live love learn, as cliche as it is. And live fast and hard, it’s worth it.
You deserve so much more. But you also don’t deserve me breaking up with you. But I want you to have the best and that’s not me.
I’m not saying that as an excuse to leave, I’m saying it because I’m guilty of not being perfect. I want to be thinner, prettier, smarter, and sexier for you. I want to have a better job, a nice place and a car for you. I want to be less emotional and less clingy and need you so much less than this. I want you to have the best and I’m not it. I want you to have everything but have nothing to give you except kissing you so sweetly.
Forgot the key to my house. I’m at Keith’s and he’s asleep downstairs and didn’t really wake up when I woke him up. I’m upstairs alone.
Ever since the whole thing blew up about Keith cheating, dave, Kevyn, and Blake have been insanely distant. I hate staying here every night now. I hate staying at my mom’s. I hate feeling like no where’s home. I hate feeling like I don’t have a home. I hate how the pepper pod is where I’d always go when I felt like this and it’s closed until the fourth. I hate feeling like shit constantly lately. I feel like I’ve lost everything even though nothing’s really changed. I hate feeling like I have to depend on pills, substances, or people to be happy. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling like I don’t belong anywhere I go. And I hate not having anyone to talk to about it, cause I feel like such a bitch mentioning it.
Life is a fucking waste, and we all know it deep down, but keep up with these distractions. But they’re not cutting it. Everything feels fake, and nothing feels warm. And the things that do get tainted by this fucking sick thought process.
I want to feel at home. I want my friends who I considered to be my family. I want to mean something somewhere and I just don’t.
I feel like fucking shit.
And the only solutions I can think of would isolate me so much more.
Fuck, Keith. Wake up. Come upstairs. Help. I genuinely mean ‘help.’